It has been a rough year. This cannot be denied. Tired is the new awake. I have been stripped down to the core until there is nothing left but me, stripped of even my body, the familiar layers whittled away until I don’t even recognize myself. But I have learned many things.
I have learned who can be with me while I sit crying hunched over on the 1970’s mustard-gold linoleum of the borrowed kitchen. I have learned who can be with me when my heart is broken into such a chasm that I cannot see the possibility for it to ever again be whole. I have learned the ways that I compromise myself for others–and others and others–and I have learned how to no longer do this or at least be aware when I am. I have learned that I can sleep most anywhere, that I can be at home pretty much anywhere, just give me five minutes and a cup of PG Tips and I’ll be alright. In fact, that goes for most any situation.
I have learned that I no longer know when I am hungry and I simply must remember to eat. I have learned there comes a time when coffee will no longer keep me awake and I simply must give in and sleep and sleep and sleep no matter what is on my docket. I have learned that when it counts, I can hold my shit together. And that in actuality, I am already wearing my big-girl panties. I have learned that some days I have trouble having compassion. I have learned that I have phenomenal friends. Really fucking fantastic people that I would not have survived without.
I have learned that for whatever reason I have messy taste in men, that I can (and do) pick amazing friends but I do not pick amazing partners. I have learned how much I hate secrets and shame and strategizing as a way of life. I have learned that I need to be open and honest which means that I have to live in integrity every single day. And that sometimes I’ll fuck up. I have learned that sometimes it is okay to have a milkshake for dinner. Or to go out for ice cream then eat an entire pint more at home. (But that it actually doesn’t make me feel better next day.)
I have learned that it is truly only my opinion that counts because I am the one who has to live in this head and this heart. I have learned that my habit is to go outside to other people and try to get the answers when truly I must listen inward and hear what I don’t necessarily want to hear.
I have learned that no matter how thin I get I will still have issues with my body so now I’m learning to love it, because it is me, the physical manifestation of my being. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin and what a gift and freedom it is. Oh, and that that heart-chasm can indeed be healed.
Now I want to learn more. So I am hunting the heart-gasm…joy so rapturous and life so authentic that my heart literally cries out with pleasure. As Rumi says: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”